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Let’s All Take a Hit of the Drug That Is Lakers Failure

A beautiful summer sunset. A magnificent Aurora Borealis. A Nazi getting punched in the face. The Lakers getting viciously owned. These are all things that bring me great joy when I see them. To put it simply: Lakers fans are just the worst and life is better when they suffer. That’s what makes tonight’s events so delicious.

People think this is all about the Lakers missing out on Kawhi, but that’s just a small factor in this hilarious equation. Lakers fans and their front office have been running their mouth forever about how every single superstar is going to sign there. And not only that, they’ve had their targets set on LA-natives Kawhi Leonard and Paul George for years.

The hubris and arrogance displayed by their fans was sickening. I’m too lazy to go search every Lakers fans tweet history about acquiring these 2 guys but I assure you there is a goldmine of entitled-trust-fund-baby sounding tweets about them becoming Lakers. They attacked the credibility of established and respected reporters like Woj while taking the word of fans with sauces like Arye Abraham as gospel. I can go on and on about how they are basically the scientology of NBA teams but that would take hours, the point is they are evil. And you rarely see good triumph over evil, but it’s exactly what we saw tonight.

Kawhi Leonard waited until July 6th at 2 in the morning to inform everyone he was headed to the Clippers. The “official” start date of Free Agency was June 30th at 6 P.M. Almost every notable NBA player ignored that timeline and had an idea of where they were going before then, and then made it official as soon as Free Agency started, if not within a day or two. But Kawhi waited over 6 days. He teased the Lakers like they were some horny guy watching camgirls. All the important Free Agents signed while Kawhi and Uncle Dennis took their time and enjoyed the holiday.

If Kawhi really is extending this to make the Lakers miss out on guys before going to LAC it's the coldest Shit anyone ever did lol

— LIFELONG PELICANS FAN MAN 69☭ (@Riffs_Man) July 1, 2019

Then that good triumphing over evil thing I talked about actually happened. Kawhi informed the Lakers that he would be going to Los Angeles, just that he’d be moving in across the hall with the Clippers. And not only that, but he’s bringing the other LA-native that the Lakers have wanted for so long with him. Him and Paul George joined the Lakers inter-city rival and made the Lakers the 2nd best team in their own building. A team that was once proclaimed the Showtime Lakers and basketball royalty doesn’t even have the spotlight in their own zip code. They were cucked by an expansion team. A team that has known nothing but failure until recently. And it gets even better. The man that orchestrated it all was Lakers legend Jerry West. The god damn Logo. He won 1 NBA Finals in 9 appearances for them and now might give their next door neighbor multiple championships. No matter how much Lakers fans claim they are not mad and actually laughing with their hot wife they got posterized to the highest degree. This is something that barely ever happens. Usually evil forces prevail, but not this time. This time we feast on the tears of all Lakers fans and look back at their psychotic antics.

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Who Should Win Tonight’s Emmy’s

Tonight is the 70th annual Primetime Emmy Awards and there are a lot of great actors, actresses, writers, and shows in contention. I have a lot of beef with the Emmys because I disagree with their selections often so I’m not going to tell you who I think will win, I’m going to tell you who deserves to win. Now to clarify I don’t watch every single show that is nominated tonight but I do watch a lot of tv so I’ve seen most of them. Also I’m not going to do every single award, only the ones that interest me. Let’s get to it.

Best Comedy Series : Always Sunny In Philadelphia

I am just going to ignore the actual nominations for this one because it is absolute bullshit that Always Sunny has NEVER been nominated for an Emmy. Not once. Are you fucking kidding me? It is so much more original, and funnier than every comedy out there. It’s a modern, darker Seinfeld. It is the perfect caricature of asshole, white northeastern urbanites. You aren’t supposed to like the characters because they are terrible people but you somehow end up loving them. There are some good comedies nominated tonight and I would pick Atlanta if I had to, but I had to give Always Sunny some love here since the Emmys won’t.

Best Drama Series: Game of Thrones

Huge clarification here that I don’t watch The Americans, Westworld, or The Handmaid’s Tale. I’m guessing one of those actually wins I just haven’t seen them, but Game of Thrones is my pick. Listen, I know GoT has dropped off in pacing and writing since they got past the end of the published books, but it is still the drama I look forward to the most. That’s how I judge best dramas: by how anxious I am to see what happens next. GoT on Sunday Nights is an event for all of Twitter. The timeline is never better than that unless there’s a good NBA game going on. That all factors into my equation which is why GoT is the best.

Best Leading Actor In A Comedy Series: Bill Hader

He probably isn’t going to win and I legitimately love everyone else nominated for this, but Bill Hader deserves to win for Barry. Barry is really good on HBO if you haven’t seen it and Hader displays such a wide range. He goes from deadpan comedy to very serious drama in the change of a scene. He really carries that show along with some good supporting actors and it is becoming one of my favorite comedies.

Best Leading Actress In A Comedy Series: Issa Rae

Issa Rae has the best smile on planet earth. Also she is so good in Insecure on HBO which is now one of my favorite comedies. She also is the writer and creator which earns her points with me. I think the situations she highlights in Insecure are as real and relatable as anything from Seinfeld. You actually end up disliking her character for doing certain things but it’s what makes her performance so good.

Best Supporting Actor In A Comedy Series: Zazie Beets

I love Atlanta on FX and Zazie Beets, along with the rest of the amazing cast, is a big reason why. While Earn and Paperboi give you a look into an emerging rap star and his manager, Beets’ character “Vee” gives you a look into the woman behind those men. She really captures the role of the girlfriend/baby mama of a struggling music manager. Vee is appreciative of Earn trying to earn a good living for her and her daughter but she isn’t going to put up with Earn’s shit as well. She plays a conflicted character and does a great job at it.

Best Supporting Actor In A Comedy Series: Brian Tyree Henry

Another Atlanta winner. This almost seems unfair since Henry isn’t really a supporting character, he carries the show just as much as Glover. But he is in the category and his performance is that good so he is my pick. His character “Paperboi” fucking kills me as much as any character on TV right now. The episode where he was trying to get a cut from his erratic barber was one of the funnier episodes of TV in recent memory. His reactions and facial expressions are such a big part of his performance and he is a really talented actor. I love his funny interactions with Darius, Tracy, and others and then his serious one-on-one scenes with Earn is some of my favorite TV out there. He really does deserve this and I hope he gets it.

Best Actor In A Drama Series: Jason Bateman

It’s The Bate Man baby. Jason Bateman is one of the most versatile actors out there starring in classic comedies like Arrested Development while also putting out a banger of a drama in Ozark. Ozark season 1 was good yet a tad slow, but season 2…Season 2 is one of the best seasons of TV I have seen in a few years and Bateman is a large reason why. His role as an asshole, in over his head, cartel money launderer/father is a perfect use of his talents. If you haven’t seen Ozark watch it now and make sure you get to Season 2.

Best Actress In A Drama Series: Elisabeth Moss

I’m going to be honest here, I don’t watch any of the shows these lovely women are in. But I am going to pick Elisabeth moss because she was a badass as Peggy Olson in Mad Men.

Supporting Actress In A Drama Series: Millie Bobby Brown

I’m going with 11 because she is a bad ass bitch in Stranger Things and I genuinely think Millie Bobby Brown (fire name by the way) gives the best performance despite being a teenager. The type of character she has to play is so unusual and rare yet she completely nails it. I really hope she takes home the hardware and I’m looking forward to seeing her in that new Godzilla movie that looks incredible.

Supporting Actor In A Drama Series: David Harbour

David Harbour was 11’s counterpart last season and their scenes together are a big reason why I still loved Season 2 of Stranger Things despite others’ complaints. His character “Hopper” has so much charm and wit but also kills the dramatic scenes he has with 11 and Winona Ryder. He is the perfect casting for this role and a big reason why the show is so good.

The Definitive Best Basketball Movie Ranking

Whenever the subject of basketball movies comes up there is always a lot of debate about what is the best and what isn’t. There is a wide range of answers and it usually depends on what generation you are from. The olds love Hoosiers, the slightly less olds love White Men Can’t Jump/He Got Game, and the youngins love Space Jam. Well lucky for everyone I am finally here to settle this debate. Just a disclaimer, I have not seen Love & Basketball. I know people love that movie but it came out when I was like 3 and I just haven’t seen it since, besides that though I have seen basically every basketball movie.

5. Coach Carter

Coach Carter was the movie I always watched in the minivan on the way to basketball games and it is a very inspirational, true story. I will say: it’s annoying how this movie spawned a million coaches who made you bring your report cards to practice. But aside from that I have nothing but love for it. It’s basically just Samuel L Jackson being Samuel L Jackson but as a basketball coach at a tough inner city school, how could you not like that? The way he whips the team into shape and turns the team around in just a year is awesome and I loved his little family stories that were the reasoning behind the names of his plays. He also had his son on the team who he pushed harder than everyone else and I related to that so much being a coach’s son myself.

By the way, Channing Tatum was in this movie and I always forget that. It is very funny in retrospect. He played a big, skinhead-looking dummy.

4. Glory Road

In my opinion this is the most criminally underrated basketball/sports movie. There wasn’t any buzz about it when it came out and I don’t know a ton of people who have seen it. That doesn’t change the fact that it is one of the best basketball movies ever because it tells a great story. It’s about how Don Haskins fielded the first ever all-black starting lineup at Texas Western and then went on to win the National Championship over perennial powerhouse Kentucky and legendary coach/racist piece of shit Adolph Rupp. What these black players went through during their NCAA Tournament run, in the heat of the Civil Rights Movement, was just so brutal and it makes for a very compelling story. Josh Lucas is great as the young, progressive hardass Bob Haskins and Jon Voight does amazing at portraying that old bag of shit Adolph Rupp. You must watch this movie if you haven’t.

3. He Got Game

This would probably be some people’s best basketball movie and I don’t hate it. It does have the best actual basketball scenes due to Ray Allen being the star. Ray did a pretty good job acting for a college basketball player and him as Jesus Shuttlesworth has to be the most iconic basketball movie character ever. I still see Shuttlesworth jerseys to this day and I always saw them when he played for the Celtics. Denzel is great in this movie like he is in every other movie and we also see the emergence of the beautiful Rosario Dawson. It has a good amount of NBA cameos from guys like Rick Fox and Celtics legend Walter McCarty, and any movie that has Walter in it is good by me. It also shows the corrupt recruiting process and the pressures of being a top-flight basketball prospect. Spike Lee told probably the most realistic fictional basketball story you could tell.

2. Space Jam

I had a hard time not putting this number 1 because I have maybe seen this and Star Wars more than anything because I literally watched the VHS tapes every day as a kid. This is easily the biggest nostalgia movie for me. I remember this being my introduction to Michael Jordan and it fueled my love for basketball growing up. I could not comprehend that the best basketball player ever was also starring in a movie with Bugs Bunny, I thought that was amazing and it is.

Now lately there has been this sort of backlash that Space Jam isn’t good and the people that say that can go fuck themselves. They say it’s corny and not very well done and MJ’s acting is bad and blah blah blah blah. Um earth to Matilda, it’s a god damn movie about Michael Jordan teaming up with the Looney Tunes to play a basketball game against aliens that want to enslave them for amusement. This isn’t The Godfather, it’s a freaking children’s movie. Also I really don’t think MJ’s acting was that bad when you consider that he had to pretend a broomstick was Daffy Duck.

And one last thing I hate that copycat motherfucker Lebron James for making a sequel to what should be an untouchable classic. People are going to say he had the better Space Jam movie because Lebron stans are the worst and it is going to drive me insane.

1. White Men Can’t Jump

When I was growing up playing basketball and first watched this movie I thought it was the coolest shit ever. 2 guys just hustling people for money in basketball games, that was something my young brain couldn’t comprehend. Ever since I saw it I have dreamed of hustling people in pickup games and to this day I still dream about it despite being completely washed up. This is one of my favorite movies ever, and it may be my most rewatchable movie ever. It is so quotable and I always reference it in games and on Twitter. Billy Hoyle had game for days and watching his vicious cycle of financial highs and lows is highly entertaining, especially as a degenerate gambler myself. Sidney Dean is one of the most electric players of all time, I mean no player in history has that kind of showmanship. If you want to sell out your home games you want Sidney Dean on your team. “It’s pretty, it’s so pretty” is one of my favorite lines to drop when I’m watching or playing, and the way he constantly just roasts Billy throughout the movie is hilarious. The chemistry between Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson is perfect because it feels like two friends just constantly busting each other’s balls. Marques Johnson has one of my favorite NBA player cameos and plays a great psycho. Rosie Perez as Billy’s girlfriend Gloria is awesome and is a big reason why this is the best basketball movie ever. She makes it more than just a basketball movie and adds a whole other layer of entertainment with her Jeopardy storyline. Plain and simple you are missing out if you haven’t seen this.

Honorable Mention: Blue Chips

I am really mad at myself for not putting this on here but I don’t think it is better than the 5 movies above and I wasn’t about to do a 10 movie list because that’s when you start getting into movies that are just ok. But I had to mention Blue Chips just because it has the biggest NBA cameos in Shaq/Penny Hardaway, and Nick Nolte plays a perfect shady college basketball coach. It is sort of a caricature of college basketball culture and I like that a lot.

Dishonorable Mention: Hoosiers

I know I am going to get a bunch of people asking why I don’t have Hoosiers on here, and you want to know why? Because it fucking stinks. Hoosiers is so overrated and not even close to the best basketball movie. It is objectively competent by movie standards but it just doesn’t interest me at all. The best part about that movie is Dennis Hopper and that’s about it. A bunch of white guys in Indiana running the picket fence? I’ll pass.

2018-2019 Eastern Conference Preview

The 2018-2019 season marks a new era for the Eastern Conference: the Post-Lebron Era. He represented the East in the Finals from 2011-2018, but now that spot is up for grabs. It’s also a new era because the East seems to be getting better for the first time in years, even with Lebron’s move. The Celtics are the consensus favorite with the Sixers and Raptors right behind them in most people’s eyes. Then we get to other competitive teams like the Bucks & Pacers and the East is as top heavy as it has been in quite some time. Since the East is so tough now I’m going to rank the East teams from Most Dangerous to Least Dangerous. This isn’t a playoff seeding preview (if I nail them then it might be), it is more of a power ranking. So if you disagree with my rankings that’s ok, it’s all very subjective, just tweet at me what you think so we can talk about it. I write these to let people know my opinion on these topics and also so I can find out what others think. So without further ado let’s get to the most dangerous team.

Tier 1

1. Boston Celtics

This isn’t surprising to anyone, after all I am a Celtics fan. However, this has nothing to do with my Celtics fandom. They are clearly the most dangerous team in the East right now and it isn’t really close. Last year they took the 2nd best player of all time to 7 games in the Eastern Conference Finals and they did it without their two best players/scorers (Kyrie, Hayward). Now they add those 2 back to the squad which forms arguably the best/most well rounded starting lineup in the NBA. I don’t believe that’s just me being biased either. They have 4 starters that are versatile and pluses defensively, they have 4 starters that are talented passers, and all 5 of the starters hover around 50/40 shooting splits while being able to create their own shot at any time. No other team can say those things. All of that is impressive enough before we even get to the “Bench With Attitude” that’s led by Super Sixth Men Marcus Smart and Terry Rozier. If the Celtics don’t make the Finals this year it is a disappointment.

Tier 2

2. Toronto Raptors

To begin the second tier we have the Raptors and their newly acquired star Kawhi Leonard. Sixers fans will be mad at this but when aren’t they? The Raptors finished first in the East last year and then traded in DeRozan and Poeltl for Kawhi and Danny Green. To me that trade is a MASSIVE upgrade for the Raptors and I actually like DeRozan and Poeltl. It’s just that Kawhi, if he is back to himself, is a much better player than DeRozan and based off of preseason he does seem to be back to himself. He won a Finals MVP playing against Lebron James, he went supernova in the 2017 playoffs, and he has continually stepped up in big moment after big moment (unless Zaza Pachulia is there). DeRozan has never proved it in important games and it’s what has doomed the Raptors these past few years. Now they have a guy that can hopefully fix those problems, and they still have the deep rotation they had last year. With promising young prospects in Siakam, Anunoby, and Van Fleet the Raptors have a lot of depth and potential within that depth. Then in their starting lineup they have solid producers in Lowry, Ibaka, and Valuncunias and now they added Danny Green to that group. From top to bottom they are very skilled defensively and should rank top 5 in that area. They will need that to be the case because aside from Kawhi they don’t have too many shot creators.

3. Milwaukee Bucks

Now this is where Sixers fans really start to get mad. I completely understand how this may seem like a bold pick, after all the Bucks haven’t been higher than a 6 seed since 2001. HOWEVAH, the Bucks have also never had Giannis and Mike Budenholzer. In case you haven’t really watched the Bucks the last few years just know that their coaching was fucking horrendous. Jason Kidd kept doing remarkably stupid things that would cost them games, but now his reign of terror is finally over. Giannis and the rest of the squad can finally flourish under Bud. Bud was the coach of that Hawks team that got 60 wins and the 1 seed over Lebron with Paul Millsap and Al Horford as their best players. Those guys are good, but now Bud has Giannis and Middleton to work with which I would say is an upgrade. Bud is an offensive specialist that loves to space the floor and play up-tempo, that should fit in perfect with the personnel he has now. Giannis is really coming into his own as a drive and kick facilitator and Bud should find a way to enhance those skills while improving spacing along the perimeter with Middleton, Brogdon, Lopez, and others. Then when we get to the defensive side of the ball this team is filled with athletic defenders that should cause problems for opposing teams. Losing Jabari Parker is going to be a major “addition by subtraction” on the defensive end. My one concern for the Bucks is their depth. If they suffer some injuries then their depth will really start to hurt, but for now I think it is serviceable. Look for Giannis to win MVP or at least finish top 3 this year.

4. Philadelphia 76ers

Ok so if you’re a Sixers fan you probably are holding broken glass and your hand is bleeding but please calm down because this isn’t as bad as it seems. Like I said in the beginning this is the most dangerous teams list, not the best regular season team list. If I had to guess they will probably be a top 3 seed barring injuries, but I just don’t find them that dangerous. I don’t care what anyone says, Ben Simmons and the Philadelphia 76ers got exposed against the Boston Celtics in the Eastern Conference Semifinals. The 76ers came into the series as overwhelming favorites facing a team that was missing their two best players. Not only that but they also had a very banged up Jaylen Brown. Then that same Celtics team delivered the Sixers a 4-1 series L because Ben Simmons can’t shoot a 3 pointer. The Celtics sagged off of him when he was on the perimeter and instead closed down on passing lanes. It made Simmons a major non-factor and forced them to rely on Embiid chucking up inefficient low-post shots. I would love to give the Sixers the benefit of the doubt when it comes to this issue but as you can see from the picture above it isn’t changing anytime soon. Ben Simmons is a coward that refuses to shoot 3 pointers, he won’t even practice them. That means the fatal flaw that plagued them in the playoffs will only continue to plague them. So Sixers fans enjoy your possible top 3 seed in the regular season because when it comes to the playoffs you scare me as much as Ben Simmons behind the 3 point line.

5. Indiana Pacers

I really had to restrain myself from putting the Pacers above the Sixers but I needed to maintain some veil of objectivity. The Pacers are the last team in the first 2 tiers and it’s because I think they are one of the 5 truly dangerous teams in the East. Tier 2 overall is a giant toss-up that depends on injuries and who lives up to potential, so the Pacers have just as good of a chance at the 3 seed as they do the 5 seed. This Pacers team showed a lot of promise last year being led by breakout 2-way stud Victor Oladipo. They had some good pieces around him too such as Myles Turner, Bogdanovic, Sabonis, Thad Young, and Darren Collison, and they also have a competent coach in Nate McMillan. For this year they had some big free agent additions in Tyreke Evans and Doug McDermott. Now some think they may have overpaid for these guys but nevertheless they are valuable additions that will help bolster the Pacers’ depth. Depth is the one thing the Pacers struggled with at times last year and now that should be fixed. I also expect Oladipo to improve once again offensively and remain an All-NBA caliber player.

Tier 3

6. Miami Heat

To start off the 3rd tier we have the Miami Heat led by Coach Spoelstra. Now I might have the Heat here anyways, but I am doing this assuming that they trade for Jimmy Butler. So far all indications point to that so I’m just going to run with it. You could argue that based off that they should be in the 2nd tier but I am going to have to wait and see them earn it first. Presuming they trade Josh Richardson for Jimmy the Heat are left with prospsects Bam Adebayo and Josh Winslow and veterans Goran Dragic, James Johnson, Dwyane Wade, Kelly Olynyk, Dion Waiters, and (sigh) Hassan Whiteside. When you add in Jimmy Butler to that group of names it is actually a pretty decent 8 man rotation and then they have some other role players after that. The reason I have them ahead of teams like the Wizards and Pistons is coaching. Coach Spo is one of the best coaches in the league and he always gets the best out of his talent. This year he might have the best talent he’s had since Lebron so I expect him to do well with it. If there is anyone who can manage Jimmy Butler’s ego it is Pat Riley and Coach Spo so I expect them to be the best of Tier 3 and probably even jump up into Tier 2.

7. Washington Wizards

(The only known photograph of John Wall and Bradley Beal getting along)

The Wizards are going to be a delight to watch this season and for all the wrong reasons. There is constant strife between John Wall and Bradley Beal and now they have added the least likable player in the world, Dwight Howard, to that mix. The Wizards are already the most dysfunctional locker-room in the league and they have now added the man that tore apart every single locker-room he has been in. Not only did they add that asshole Dwight but they also added AustinRiversFromNepotism, who guys around the league also hate. Honestly if everyone stays alive on the Wizards then the season will be a success. But as far as basketball goes the Wizards aren’t that bad. Dwight may be an asshole but he is actually still a very productive player and Austin Rivers is also an asshole but he is still the best bench player the Wiz have had in quite some time. If they aren’t as dysfunctional as I think then they probably could finish higher, but I just don’t see how they aren’t the NBA version of the Bluth family this year.

8. Charlotte Hornets

Now I may just be getting a case of preseason fever but the Hornets really impressed from what I saw of them against my Celtics. Under new coach James Borrego they seem to be clicking offensively and practicing great ball movement. He is a Popovich disciple and should help bring a little bit of that Spurs flare to Charlotte. To aid him in the beginning of his head coaching career the Hornets have added veteran Tony Parker to hold the bench down. That should be a very good addition so long as he keeps his dick to himself. They also had two of my favorite steals of the 2018 draft in Miles Bridges and Devonte Graham. Bridges is a stud two way player that should help the Hornets immediately and Graham was a stud 4-year college player that should be a good depth guard for the Hornets. Along with those moves they also added Bismack Byombo to improve the second unit as well as being an insurance option for the oft-injured Cody Zeller. Then obviously the Hornets still have their star Kemba and their 2nd option Batum. I expect those 2, and the team as a whole, to flourish under Borrego in his first season.

9. Cleveland Cavaliers

I have the Cavs right there with the Hornets in Tier 3. Now obviously they did lose Lebron, some would argue that’s kind of a big deal, but I really don’t think it knocks them out of relevance in the East. They still have Kevin Love who should see usage that compares more to his Minnesota days and less to his days as Lebron’s hostage. I know people like to make fun of Kevin Love but with the right usage he is one of the best players in the conference and should put up numbers that match that statement. Then the Cavs added high-motor rookie Collin Sexton who has come into this league and life with an ambitious attitude. I really like his game and my one concern for him (shooting) seems to be better than I had expected. Now the rest of the Cavs roster isn’t that great in my opinion but they do have guys with potential. Most NBA fans, including myself, have written off Jordan Clarkson and Rodney Hood but they are still young, offensive-minded players with some potential to be better. If the Cavs were in the West they’d easily be one of the bottom teams in the conference but they are in the East where they should compete.

10. Detroit Pistons

I just am not high on the Pistons this year, they don’t excite me whatsoever. That’s kind of what happens when your team is headlined by Andre Drummond and Blake Griffin and also coached by Stan Van Gundy in the year 2018. I just looked at their roster on NBA.com and wanted to puke. I really don’t have much to say on them. I guess they can make the playoffs since they have Blake and Drummond but they won’t do much when they get there.

Tier “They Won’t Be Terrible”

Orlando Magic, Brooklyn Nets, Chicago Bulls

This tier is pretty self-explanatory. I think these teams aren’t going to be terrible but they also won’t be all that good. The Magic are filled with young, athletic, two-way players but they will struggle to score. The Bulls are the opposite because they will score but potentially stink on defense. The Nets are filled with good to average talent and should be able to compete with a lot of teams. There is no way any of these teams make the playoffs but they should be exciting to watch on League Pass.

Tier “Cold McDonalds”

New York Knicks, Atlanta Hawks

The only way to describe these last 2 teams is “Cold McDonalds” like my close personal friend Ice T would. These teams are wack, plain and simple. They are both extremely young squads without a true star (that’s right Knicks fans Porzingis isn’t a star). Also both teams just got new head coaches which means it will take some time for culture to be established and rapports to be formed. I actually like the prospects on each of these teams but the problem is that all they have are prospects. If you want to be good in the NBA you need some solid vets and these teams just do not have that.

Week 2 NFL Picks

We are finally entering the best time of the year. It’s the first weekend of full College Football and NFL slates. It is a grueling 36 hours that can break the will of any gambler. It can exacerbate your Sunday Scaries or it can have you puffing your chest out, but either way it is this roller coaster of emotions that makes us gamble. Experiencing the Josh Gordon-like highs and the Nathan Peterman-like lows are why we do this but lucky for you I am here to just give you the Josh Gordons. Week 2 of the NFL provides great opportunities for gamblers if you play your cards right. There is typically overreaction from the public on most teams after Week 1 so fading public favorites is highly profitable. This is supported by Week 2 NFL trends dating back to the 80’s so we are going to target some of those games this week. I typically end up betting most of the games but I am going to give the ones I feel strongest about to you fine people.

Chiefs at Steelers (-5) 1:00 P.M.

Listen, I hate to do this since I am a big Patrick Mahomes fan and I think the Chiefs are legit this year, but they are absolutely adored by the public this week. As I said before public favorites fare terribly in Week 2 and they have about 70% of bets which indicates a lot of public action on them. They had an embarrassing game against the Browns in Week 1 and should be looking to bounce back big at home.

Pick: Steelers -5 (1 slice)

Vikings at Packers (pick em) 1:00 P.M.

The big question mark concerning bettors in this one is the status of Aaron Rodgers. Frankly I don’t care about that since the Vikings look legit and I already took them as a pick em. If Rodgers does play they are going to pressure the crap out of him and either he won’t be able to do much or he will just make his injury worse. Then obviously if he doesn’t play you can count that as an automatic win. Hammer the Vikings in this one, Rodgers isn’t pulling a rabbit out of his ass against elite defenses two weeks in a row.

Pick: Vikings Pick Em (3 slices)

Eagles (-3) at Buccaneers 1:00 P.M.

The Buccaneers stunned everyone in the Super Dome last week by drowning the Saints in Fitzmagic’s holy water. Meanwhile the Eagles edged out a win against the Falcons looking pretty average on offense. The public thinks the Buccaneers are a new team with Fitzpatrick at the helm but they will be in for a rude awakening when they go up against this loaded Eagles defense. I also expect Foles to get clicking more this game so Fly Eagles Fly baby.

Pick: Eagles -3 (2 slices)

Browns at Saints (-9) 1:00 P.M.

As I mentioned in the last pick the Saints got demolished last week. The Browns scraped together a tie which is a win for them. I thought the public might be on the Browns since they look like a new team, but they must be low on Tyrod Taylor and high on the Saints redemption narrative since the Saints are getting 66% of the bets. I like the Saints to win this one but I think the Browns solid defense along with my expected improvements from Tyrod will enable the Browns to cover. Sprinkle a little on the Browns.

Pick: Browns +9 (1 slice)

Lock of the Week

Pats -1 at Jaguars 4:05 P.M.

This is the clear game of the week and a rematch of the AFC Championship. The Jags defense looks really good again and the offense looked serviceable. The Pats offense seemed to be clicking last week aside from a few turnovers and the defense impressed me. Leonard Fournette is questionable for this one which is kind of a big deal since the Pats defense struggles to stop the run more than anything else. If he plays and isn’t a shell of himself then I think the Jags have some chance of winning. But the Pats simply do not lose to AFC South teams. They are 21-0 ATS against the division since 2004. Because of that reason and the cloud over Fournette’s head I am pounding the New England Brady’s like a ZooMass student pounds Natty Light.

Pick: Pats -1 (5 slices)

Week 2 College Football Winners

It was a good week for The Wise Guy in Week 1 of College Football. I went 3-2 and +1.8 units since my lock of the week hit. My 2 losses were bad but the lock of the week was stone cold. Anyways, numbers never lie and you will always take +1.8 units when it comes to sports betting. Personally I’m ok with just breaking even but I want to make you all some money so here are my winners for week 2.

Appalachian State (-14.5) at Charlotte 6 P.M.

App State nearly knocked off Pen State last week but came up just short. Now everyone is high on them which has inflated their value in the public’s eye and has therefore affected the spread. App State is probably better than Charlotte, but are they 14.5 points better than them in their own building? I don’t think so and I also expect a let down for them.

Pick: Charlotte +14.5

Air Force at FAU (-8) 2 P.M.

FAU led by the infamous Lane Kiffin got blown out last week at Oklahoma. That’s ok though because Oklahoma is really freaking good and opening up your season there isn’t the best way to start. Now FAU is back at home against a mediocre opponent and they are poised to put up points like they always should have. Hate to bet against the troops in back to back weeks but it won last time so I might as well ride with my drunken pal Lane.

Pick: FAU -8

Lock of the Week

Georgia (-10) at South Carolina 3:30 P.M. 2 Units

Both of these teams crushed their opponent in the previous week and should be big players in the SEC this year. Georgia has stud sophomore QB Jake Fromm and they are coming off a National Championship appearance. That is exactly why they are a very public friendly play in one of the biggest games of the day. I do think Georgia should win this game but South Carolina is damn good this year and should cover 10 points at home with their defense. Go Cocks!

Pick: South Carolina +10

P.S. – Last week I forgot to put how many units I placed on the lock of the week. It was 2 units and will probably always be 2 units but I will start writing it in case i decide to go really heavy on one game.

Week 1 College Football Winners

I finally get to write something that pertains to the title of this site: gambling. There is no better way to start it off too than with College Football. College Football is the mecca of sports betting. It is 12 hours of pure chaos with billions of dollars being risked on 18-23 year olds. It’s as American as it gets. I used to be one of those people that said the NFL is more entertaining than the NCAA but now that I gamble I don’t know. The NFL has declined in quality in my opinion and it’s just not as fun to bet on. The lines are so small and there aren’t many advantages to exploit. With college football though there are a million teams and a million games so it is easier to pick some favorable spots and track sharp action. There is typically “sharp action” on a game when the % of money being bet on a team is significantly more or less than the % of bets which causes a line change. These “sharp” bettors typically place large amounts or have influence with sportsbooks and it is why the lines tend to shift. Sharp bettors aren’t always right so you can’t just try to track their every move, but it is useful to look at along with other factors. Now that I have rambled about gambling terms let’s get to some winners.

(To give you a warning before this next section just know that a lot of these picks won’t be marquee, primetime matchups. That isn’t how you make money in this sport, you make money by finding the advantages in the lesser known matchups since Vegas is less concerned about them due to the lower amount of bets placed on them)

Wake Forrest (-6) at Tulane, Thursday 8:00 P.M.

I know College Football technically already started but it really starts Thursday night and this game provides an opportunity for bettors. Tulane returns 9 offensive starters from last year including dual threat Senior QB Jonathan Banks. Not only that but they are at home and there is sharp money on them. According to SportsAction only 41% of bets are on them while 77% of the money is. That is a significant difference that leads me to believe that sharp money is on Tulane and when you consider the other factors as well I suggest hammering them.

Pick: Tulane +6

Kent State at Illinois (-16.5) , Saturday Noon

(Illinois’ real mascot was problematic so I used a picture of a dog from the google results)

Now this is a pretty bad game between two garbage teams, but there’s an opportunity here. The Kent State Golden Flashes are 1-4 ATS (against the spread) in their last 5 non-conference games, 1-5 ATS in their last 6 games in September, and 1-4 ATS in their last 5 games overall. They also went 2-10 in the MAC last year which is pretty bad. Illinois wasn’t great and never really is but at least they play in the Big Ten and are tough on defense under Lovie Smith. They will also be at home and are seeing a difference of +36 between % of bets and % of money which means the sharps are on them. Don’t get me wrong this could go awry since Illinois isn’t that great, but taking a Big Ten team against a MAC team with these circumstances generally pays off.

Pick: Illinois – 16.5

UNLV at USC (-26.5), Saturday 4:00 P.M.

(This guy definitely mainlines meth at tailgates)

Now we finally get to a somewhat decent game. People are probably thinking “oh well USC is at home against a basketball school so I will pick them” but not so fast my friends. USC just lost Darnold who sort of carried them last year. They are a pretty big favorite against a UNLV team that is returning 12 starters and also a good QB in Armani Rogers. I mean you just can’t fail to cover the spread when the guy leading your team is named Armani. Also USC has a freshman QB which generally doesn’t bode well in Week 1. Lastly, sharp money is also on UNLV with 67% of money on them compared to the 56% of bets that are on USC. Jump on the Rebels.

Pick: UNLV +26.5

UMass at Boston College (-18), Saturday 1:00 P.M.

(Best Mascot in sports hands down)

Listen BC is the most overrated school on the planet when it comes to academics and sports. The best they ever were was with Doug Flutie the legend about 30 years ago and then Matt Ryan recently but even he couldn’t take them that far. They just aren’t that good and especially lately. Addazio had been putting out very good defenses but that changed a little when his coordinator Don Brown went to Michigan. Their offense is always horrendous because they NEVER have a good QB and rely solely on the running game. UMass is one of few independent schools and they really struggled the past few years, but they actually should be ok this year for UMass standards. They return a lot of starters including speedy wideout Andy Isabella. They already won a game this year so they are technically the best team in college football right now. Listen I’m not saying they’re going to win, but they should cover against a pretty bad offense in BC. Sprinkle a little dough on the money line if you want, but the pick is the Minutemen.

Pick: UMass +18

Lock Of The Week:

Army at Duke (-13.5), Friday 7:00 P.M.

When people think of Duke they think of basketball which is strange since they have won like 1 title in the last 8 years but I digress. Duke has actually been pretty solid at football lately. They aren’t going to beat Alabama but they can certainly beat non-power 5 teams. That is exactly what Army is since they play in the Patriot League. Now I know Army beat Duke last year, but Duke has always defended Army’s option pretty well. Duke’s defense is very experienced this year which means they should do even better at it. Duke should also see improvements to their offense due to the returning almost all their starters which will help in this matchup since offense is what held Duke back against Army last year. Duke is home which if you can’t tell at this point in the blog matters a lot in college football. They also see some heavy sharp action with 81% of the money on them as opposed to just 52% of the bets. Unfortunately I have to sacrifice my integrity and bet on Duke but hey money is green.

Take these picks at your own peril. I am trying to give out winners to help you win money. These are my best bets and jut a few of the ones I actually place.

Jayson Tatum Was Historically Efficient As A Rookie

The other day I was messing around on Basketball Reference as I tend to do when I’m bored at work and I noticed something crazy. I somehow ended up on Jayson Tatum’s page and saw his ridiculous shooting percentages and stats.

He shot 43% from 3, had a nearly 54% eFG%, and also a 58.6 TS%. That is ridiculous for a player of any age, let alone a rookie. So that made me think how his shooting held up against other rookie seasons. In order to do that I used Basketball Reference’s Season Finder tool to compare other players’ rookie seasons to Tatum’s by using his stats as a baseline.

I started off with these 4 stats because I really wanted to see how his shooting held up but I didn’t want just every random sharpshooter to show up so I included his points and rebounds as well. I also only used people who qualified for 3P% leaderboards which means it eliminates people who took four 3’s all year but made two. Another piece of criteria that was not shown was age. For that I put ages 18 to 23 as the range which I felt was fair since you really shouldn’t have a rookie season outside that range.

As you can see Jayson Tatum is the only player in the history of the NBA to average 13 PPG and 5 TRB while shooting 43% from 3 and 53% eFG. But I didn’t want to just stop there, I also wanted to see how far ahead he was of the next most efficient rookie season. So in order to do that I kept points and rebounds the same but kept decreasing 3P% and eFG% until someone else showed up. Then someone finally did…

To my surprise the only other player to come close to what Tatum did as a rookie was my favorite player ever: Paul Pierce. Even then he still shot significantly worse, but he did put up more points and rebounds. I still wanted to see what other possible legends were alongside Tatum in these categories so I kept searching and I kept broadening my criteria.

The next person to show up on this list was another Celtics legend in Larry Bird which just made me start to think that I run Basketball Reference. In all seriousness though this is a ridiculous trio of names to be included in. And Tatum isn’t just included in this list, he shot much better than them. I’m not saying he is going to be better than these guys or the best shooter of all time, I just did this little exercise to show how historically efficient he is and how scary he can really be. The efficiency might not stay put at this ridiculous level, but if it drops just a little while increasing his usage he would be one of the league’s best players.

P.S. – At the end of this I broadened the criteria to all NBA seasons and not just rookie seasons.

There have only been 12 other seasons where someone did what Jayson Tatum did in his ROOKIE season. There were only other 11 players to do it total since Otto Porter did it twice. This kid is a fucking star.

My MVP Candidates For 2018-2019

5. Kawhi

Before last season and the circus that came with it Kawhi was an MVP candidate the previous two seasons. He had been putting up great offensive numbers while playing DPOY level defense for a 50 win Spurs team. He never really got a lot of MVP love though because the Spurs have always been good. Now he joins a Raptors team that won 59 games and got the 1 seed the year before and faces the same problem. The Raptors were just too good last year and unless Kawhi takes them to 65 wins it will be hard for him to win MVP. However, I still expect a great bounce-back season from him which lands him in the top 5.

4. Lebron

You have to put Lebron in any sort of MVP talk, you would be stupid not to. He has been in the conversation since he came into the league and that’s not changing any time soon. He joined a new team with a bunch of young guys and no other established stars which already gives him a narrative. He should be putting up good stats while taking the Lakers to the playoffs for the first time in a few years. That’s all enough to put him in the running but unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your feelings) the Lakers will not be good enough for him to actually win it.

3. Kyrie

Here at the top 3 is where it really starts to get interesting. This is where the race becomes more of a toss up in which any guy has a chance to win, including Kyrie. He is going to be playing for a very good Celtics team that is likely to get the 1st seed in the east. He is coming off an underrated and extremely efficient season last year. The only person who has ever matched his efficiency from last year is Steph who won back to back MVPs. Kyrie is going to be playing with a loaded team which may take away some of his votes but it will also allow him to be even more efficient and pick his spots. He has that benefit but is still the best player on the team that can go off for 40 on any given night. Get ready for Kyrie to get funkier than ever this year.

2. Anthony Davis

I honestly thought Anthony Davis should have been considered a lot more for MVP last year. He had his best year while carrying a Boogie-less Pelicans team to the playoffs in a loaded West. He was also a finalist for DPOY after having his best defensive season yet. I personally would have picked him last year but Harden also had a phenomenal season and it was his time. Now the generation before AD has all gotten their MVPs. NBA writers typically don’t like giving MVP to a guy twice unless they are an all time great. This clears the way for younger stars like AD to win one. He should be a frontrunner for it this year because he should have a solid team and he should put up numbers. Like I said with Lebron though, I don’t know if his team will be good enough in the loaded West for him to win it.

1. Giannis

This is my pick for MVP this year: the strong, burly, wholesome, and pure Giannis. It’s finally his time to cement himself as a top 5 player in the league. Last year he was amazing, the only problem was he was being coached by Jason Kidd and Joe Prunty. It’s why the Bucks struggled so much. But this year Giannis now has Mike Budenholzer who should improve this Bucks team a lot. He did wonders with the Hawks turning Kyle Korver and Jeff Teague into All-Stars. If he can do that I’m fairly certain he can make Giannis into an MVP. Budenholzer’s specialty is offense which is perfect because the Bucks were a mess on that end last year. He should get Giannis working as a drive and kick facilitator while surrounding him with spacing which should create a lot of opportunities for him. His defense will still be at the elite All-Defense caliber it was before and the Bucks should see a bump in wins. I think the Bucks end up as a top 3 seed in the East and because of that and the stats Giannis is poised to put up he will win MVP.

Like I said before, I think anyone in the top 3 has a chance to win. It really depends on how their teams do which will affect the narrative for all of them. No matter who wins though I’m looking forward to (hopefully) another young, new face taking home the award.

The Sixers are the Fourth Best Team in the East

After the playoffs were over and Lebron left for Los Angeles everyone began creating this narrative that the Celtics and Sixers are the only 2 teams in the East. Everyone is excited about the renewed Sixers-Celtics rivalry, including me. Both teams have young stars poised to dominate this league, both teams have good coaches, and both teams have rabid fanbases. It should be fun whenever we play, but the Sixers are getting ahead of themselves.

76ers’ Ben Simmons: ‘We’ve got to get past Boston. Those are the guys at the top right now’ https://t.co/48SgqFTQoP

— ProBasketballTalk (@nbcprobballtalk) August 20, 2018

Yes Ben, you do need to get past the Celtics. You also need to get past the Raptors and the Bucks. There was a lot of hullabaloo about the Raptors getting swept by the Cavs, which I get, but the Sixers didn’t do much better and caught significantly less flak from the general public. The Raptors got swept by the 2nd best player ever, the Sixers lost in 5 games to a team missing their 2 best players. Now the Raptors traded in DeRozan and Poeltl for Kawhi and Danny Green. Who did the Sixers get? Wilson Chandler and Mike Muscala. It was an underwhelming offseason for the Sixers who were supposed to be in contention for all the stars hitting the market. In my eyes the Sixers definitely aren’t better than the Raptors if Kawhi is back to being Kawhi.

Now as far as comparing the Sixers and Bucks goes I am much more optimistic about the Bucks than most people. I don’t think it’s without reason though. The real acquisition that matters for the Bucks was the hiring of Mike Budenholzer. He took the Hawks to a 1 seed and 60 wins in a conference that contains Lebron James. That team relied on Jeff Teague and Kyle Korver as some of its main guys. He did have Millsap and Horford, but now he has Giannis and Middleton. Sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking about Khris Middleton wopping threes in Celtics’ players faces. He is a god damn killer and maybe the most underrated player in the league. Bud now gets to work with that, Brogdon, Bledsoe, and oh yeah Giannis. That is an extremely talented core that should have done more in the East last year. The reason they didn’t do more was their coaching. Jason Kidd and Joe Prunty were extremely incompetent and made bonehead move after bonehead move. They are getting replaced by one of the better coaches in Budenholzer. I have faith in him to put Giannis and this team in a position to succeed. They have the right players to be very good on defense and now they have a coach whose specialty is offense and should get things clicking on that end. I know I just got on the Sixers for only making minor moves but that’s because they were supposed to make bigger moves. The Bucks have made some minor moves that should really help their depth. They already have their top 5 guy in Giannis, they just needed to build around him and that’s what they did. They signed Brook Lopez and Ilyasova to help space the floor and they also got some good, young 2-way players in DiVincenzo and Pat Connaughton. The DiVincenzo pick was a tad high in my opinion but he should still be a good depth add along with Connaughton. This is shaping up to be a solid group of guys that Bud can work with and take to the top of this Eastern Conference. I expect a big leap from them and for Giannis to win MVP.

Listen I know Sixers fans will get up in arms about this. Believe it or not I actually like your team despite the fanbase being a bunch of mouth-breathers, but there are just some really good teams at the top of the East. I am still concerned about the Sixers’ injury issues. Simmons seems pretty durable after the initial injury but you never know. I was as high on Fultz as anyone but he is still a massive question mark. And then obviously we have Embiid who is unfortunately always a moment away from a bad injury. I’m not rooting for these guys to get hurt but you have to acknowledge the risk there. It’s the thing that makes the Sixers’ range so wide. Things could end up going to shit or they could be really good and I could be wrong. But there are just too many things I listed above that make me weary of calling them second fiddle.